tapper.blue
Fri 14 August 2009, 04:42 pm GMT +0200
just a few jokes from mustshare jokes . com
Cattle for the Bushes
Air Force One has just landed in Washington. President George W. Bush just got back from his ranch in Crawford, Texas. As the exit ramp is wheeled up, the President appears with feed sacks in his arms. The Marine on the ground awaits President Bush, who is going down the steps. The Marine salutes Mr. Bush.
Bush says, "Pardon me, sir, but my hands are full. I can't respond to your salute."
"Yes Sir! I see your feed sacks, Sir!" replies the Marine. "Those sacks contain food for your cattle."
"Now just a minute," says Bush. "These are no ordinary cattle. These are genuine Grade A Texas Longhorns."
"Yes Sir! Longhorns Sir!" says the Marine.
"I have three of them," Bush explains. "One of these is for Laura. The other two are for Jenna and Barbara."
The Marine answers, "Yes Sir! A superb trade Sir!"
Seth Meyers on George W. Bush
Despite warnings from the Secret Service over security concerns, President Elect Barack Obama said this week that he is unwilling to give up his Blackberry, Sort of the same way Bush wouldn't give up his Leapfrog.
It's official. For the next 4 years, it will be pronounced 'Nuclear'.
Craig Ferguson on George W. Bush
Happy Martin Luther King Day. Isn't it fitting that in his last day in office, President Bush takes a holiday?
Today Barack Obama announced his economic team. President Bush is working closely with them. Obama said his team has many obstacles to overcome, the biggest one being maybe that President Bush is working closely with them.
Bill Maher on George W. Bush
Americans were so sick of Bush, that 7 years after 9/11, they said, "You know what sounds good? A black guy with a Muslim name."
Did you see Obama's news conference today? Wow. I have to say, nice to see adults back in charge of government. The White House press corps, you could tell, they were ecstatic. It's been years since they've heard a complete sentence.
Now, President-elect Obama got a very special call from President Bush the other day. Bush acknowledged the historic nature of Obama's win, and then he said, 'and you know, you don't sound that black on the phone.'
Bush, by the way, had a big, sort of a tearful farewell to his staff the other day in the Rose Garden, and it came out that he's shopping his memoirs. They're called The Audacity of 'Huh?'
Couple of problems. He hasn't been offered as much money as he thinks he deserves for his memoirs, and when they asked him to write an autobiography, he said, 'I don't really know that much about cars.'
To top it all off for the week, apparently Sarah Palin accessorized her wardrobe with some ignorance this week. She was asked a question by a third-grader, and she got it wrong. She apparently still does not know what the vice president does. The job she is running for. She said he or she runs the Senate. No, not in this country. You know, George Bush, I would never accuse him of being a bright man, but when he was elected, he at least knew what building to show up to.
As if all this news is not bad enough, today, President Bush announced he's on the case. Because if there's one name that comes to mind when you're in a no-room-for-error crisis, it's George Bush.
Oh, and he is pissed about the trillion dollar thing. Usually, when he spends that kind of money on a country, he gets to bomb the shit out of it, too.
This is the first convention I could remember, where they didn't say the name of the man who should be the titular head of the party. He is the president of the United States, George Bush. Except for the protestors outside, you never heard that name, or any reference to George Bush, except for the part about loving children with special needs.
Bush didn't make the convention because the hurricane, Gustav, hit New Orleans, but actually didn't. Bush was at the Hurricane Command Center, taking credit for a perfect emergency response to a perfect non-emergency. Although he actually did cause some panic, because viewers at home saw him sitting there, doing nothing, and they thought maybe it was another terrorist attack.
Stephen Colbert on George W. Bush
Today, I have to say, it's been a roller coaster of emotion for me. This morning, the president gave a press conference, which always has me at the edge of my seat. They're like the Olympics. They happen once every four years, and you're pretty sure, in the end, China is going to win. But this one was particularly bittersweet, folks, because it was President Bush's last [on screen: the crowd cheers]. No, shh, shh. Don't hide your grief. Has it really been eight years? It seems that just yesterday, he was a young Texas governor with an impressive record. He'd won over almost as many voters as he had executed. I never thought the end of the Bush presidency would come so soon. But today, I had to begin the painful process of saying hello to good-bye.
Cattle for the Bushes
Air Force One has just landed in Washington. President George W. Bush just got back from his ranch in Crawford, Texas. As the exit ramp is wheeled up, the President appears with feed sacks in his arms. The Marine on the ground awaits President Bush, who is going down the steps. The Marine salutes Mr. Bush.
Bush says, "Pardon me, sir, but my hands are full. I can't respond to your salute."
"Yes Sir! I see your feed sacks, Sir!" replies the Marine. "Those sacks contain food for your cattle."
"Now just a minute," says Bush. "These are no ordinary cattle. These are genuine Grade A Texas Longhorns."
"Yes Sir! Longhorns Sir!" says the Marine.
"I have three of them," Bush explains. "One of these is for Laura. The other two are for Jenna and Barbara."
The Marine answers, "Yes Sir! A superb trade Sir!"
Seth Meyers on George W. Bush
Despite warnings from the Secret Service over security concerns, President Elect Barack Obama said this week that he is unwilling to give up his Blackberry, Sort of the same way Bush wouldn't give up his Leapfrog.
It's official. For the next 4 years, it will be pronounced 'Nuclear'.
Craig Ferguson on George W. Bush
Happy Martin Luther King Day. Isn't it fitting that in his last day in office, President Bush takes a holiday?
Today Barack Obama announced his economic team. President Bush is working closely with them. Obama said his team has many obstacles to overcome, the biggest one being maybe that President Bush is working closely with them.
Bill Maher on George W. Bush
Americans were so sick of Bush, that 7 years after 9/11, they said, "You know what sounds good? A black guy with a Muslim name."
Did you see Obama's news conference today? Wow. I have to say, nice to see adults back in charge of government. The White House press corps, you could tell, they were ecstatic. It's been years since they've heard a complete sentence.
Now, President-elect Obama got a very special call from President Bush the other day. Bush acknowledged the historic nature of Obama's win, and then he said, 'and you know, you don't sound that black on the phone.'
Bush, by the way, had a big, sort of a tearful farewell to his staff the other day in the Rose Garden, and it came out that he's shopping his memoirs. They're called The Audacity of 'Huh?'
Couple of problems. He hasn't been offered as much money as he thinks he deserves for his memoirs, and when they asked him to write an autobiography, he said, 'I don't really know that much about cars.'
To top it all off for the week, apparently Sarah Palin accessorized her wardrobe with some ignorance this week. She was asked a question by a third-grader, and she got it wrong. She apparently still does not know what the vice president does. The job she is running for. She said he or she runs the Senate. No, not in this country. You know, George Bush, I would never accuse him of being a bright man, but when he was elected, he at least knew what building to show up to.
As if all this news is not bad enough, today, President Bush announced he's on the case. Because if there's one name that comes to mind when you're in a no-room-for-error crisis, it's George Bush.
Oh, and he is pissed about the trillion dollar thing. Usually, when he spends that kind of money on a country, he gets to bomb the shit out of it, too.
This is the first convention I could remember, where they didn't say the name of the man who should be the titular head of the party. He is the president of the United States, George Bush. Except for the protestors outside, you never heard that name, or any reference to George Bush, except for the part about loving children with special needs.
Bush didn't make the convention because the hurricane, Gustav, hit New Orleans, but actually didn't. Bush was at the Hurricane Command Center, taking credit for a perfect emergency response to a perfect non-emergency. Although he actually did cause some panic, because viewers at home saw him sitting there, doing nothing, and they thought maybe it was another terrorist attack.
Stephen Colbert on George W. Bush
Today, I have to say, it's been a roller coaster of emotion for me. This morning, the president gave a press conference, which always has me at the edge of my seat. They're like the Olympics. They happen once every four years, and you're pretty sure, in the end, China is going to win. But this one was particularly bittersweet, folks, because it was President Bush's last [on screen: the crowd cheers]. No, shh, shh. Don't hide your grief. Has it really been eight years? It seems that just yesterday, he was a young Texas governor with an impressive record. He'd won over almost as many voters as he had executed. I never thought the end of the Bush presidency would come so soon. But today, I had to begin the painful process of saying hello to good-bye.