*jokes* conan o'brien on the economy

[Conan O'Brien on the Economy]

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  Conan O'Brien on the Economy
    Looks like the Obamas have already helped the economy. J. Crew stock has gone up 10%, because First Lady Michelle Obama has been spotted wearing their clothes. Which begs the question, Mr. Obama, how would you feel about wearing a Buick?

    Toyota's developing a miniature, environmentally-friendly car that is powered entirely by a rechargeable battery. Yeah. Meanwhile, Detroit is still hard at work on an SUV that runs on rain forest trees and panda blood.

    On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama is going to be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. Because, folks, nothing says 'hope for the future' like General Motors. ... The good news is that at least they sold one car, apparently.

    In order to deal with the bad economy, every government now is trying to come up with ideas. The governor of New York wants to put a tax on massages. Yeah, the tax will be known as the unhappy ending tax.

    A plan to bail out the Big Three automakers stalled in Congress today. Yeah. As a result, Congress plans to buy a better-built Japanese bailout plan.

    Everybody in Detroit right now is hoping for a bailout for the auto industry. All of Detroit's consumed with this. And true story, it was in the news, this Sunday. In Detroit, a church put an SUV on stage in order to pray for a miracle for the Big Three automakers. And apparently, there was a miracle. Someone bought the SUV. At factory price.

    General Motors announced that they are ending their endorsement deal with Tiger Woods. When asked why, a spokesperson for General Motors said, 'Tiger Woods is successful, competitive, and popular. And that's just not us.'

    The auto executives for the Big Three are being criticized now, because, before they asked Congress for billions of dollars, they all flew to Washington in private jets. Yeah, separately, in private jets. In their defense, the executives said, 'We would have driven, but our cars only get three miles to the gallon.

    Earlier today, the heads of GM, Ford, and Chrysler appeared together in front of Congress to ask for a $25 billion bailout. And here's what's interesting. When asked what they would do with the money, all three of them said, 'Buy a new BMW.'

    Americans say they are planning to do a lot of their holiday shopping this year at warehouse stores like Costco. Beause, folks, nothing says Merry Christmas like 90 rolls of toilet paper.

    American Express is in financial trouble. The company reportedly wants a $5.5 billion loan from the government. Yeah, unfortunately for American Express, the government only takes Visa and Diners Club.

    Of course, lots of sour news about the economy. The federal government has announced that due to the bad economy, it is going to have to lay off 40,000 postal workers. Yeah, 40,000 disgruntled postal workers. What could possibly go wrong?

    President Bush announced today he is going to have the Federal government put $250 billion into US banks. Yeah. Bush also said if he's putting that much money into a bank, they'd better give him a big-ass toaster.

    This weekend, the leaders of the world's richest countries got together to discuss the global economic meltdown. Yeah. President Bush wanted to go to the meeting, but after last week, the U.S. is no longer one of the world's richest countries.

    Last night on NBC, the fourth contestant was kicked off the show, ?The Biggest Loser.? Yeah, that leaves two contestants, the C.E.O. of A.I.G. and the C.E.O. of Lehman Brothers.

    President Bush gave a speech today about the economy. And he said he believes, this is his quote. He said, 'Anyone who makes bad decisions should fail.' That's what he said, yeah. Yeah, then Bush looked around the room and said, 'Hey, why did it get so quiet in here?'

    Today, President Bush signed the Wall Street bailout bill, but he said our economy continues to face serious challenges. Bush said he thought those challenges could be overcome as soon as he leaves office in two months.

    Yesterday, the Dow Jones average dropped 777 points, which wiped out $1.2 trillion in the stock market. Financial experts say the last time that much money disappeared in one day was when Oprah left her purse in a cab.

    Of course, the big bailout plan that was supposed to save everything failed yesterday. Political experts say if a new version of the economic bailout plan is going to pass, significant changes are going to have to be made. Yeah. For instance, Congress is going to have to remove the section of the plan that says, 'Sweet Jesus, please let this work.'

    Now yesterday, John McCain said that Federal aid to Wall Street shouldn?t be called a ?bailout,? but instead should be called a ?rescue.? Yeah. McCain also said he's not old, he's 'geezerific.'

    Congress trying very hard, once again, with this bailout plan. And economists are now claiming that our nation's leaders did not properly explain the bailout plan to the public. That was the problem, yeah. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'While you're at it, could someone explain it to me?'

    Today the House of Representatives voted against the Wall Street bailout plan, a plan which House Minority Leader John Boehner called 'a crap sandwich.' Yeah, that's what he said. Congress hasn't given up though. They're already working on a new plan which they call 'a crap sandwich with cheese.'

    The House of Representatives failed to get enough votes to pass the Wall Street bailout plan. Since that didn't work, they're going to attack an even bigger problem: bailing out the New York Mets.

    Now today, I don't want to alarm you, when the stock market closed, it was down 777 points, which is the biggest point drop in American history. As a result, President Bush was able to cross off the tenth and final item on his administrations bucket list.

    Now the treasury secretary at this moment, trying very hard to get the bailout plan passed. He wants to get that passed. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson is so desperate to get his bailout plan passed that yesterday -- this is true -- he got down on his knees in front of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. He did that, yeah. And apparently, Paulson wants the plan to pass so badly, he also offered to get down on his knees in front of Barney Frank.

    Yesterday, Congressman Tim Murphy of Pennsylvania voiced concern that the bailout plan doesn't protect the little guy. Yeah. After hearing, this, Dennis Kucinich said, 'I'll be fine.

    Our economy, right now, in a little bit of trouble. President Bush has been working hard on the economy to solve this problem. That should calm you.

    Yesterday, President Bush telephoned both John McCain and Barack Obama to discuss the current financial crisis. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, the entire conversation consisted of Bush yelling, 'Suckers! and hanging up.

    Earlier tonight, President Bush gave a speech about the Wall Street financial crisis. The title of Bush?s speech was 'Two More Months and It Ain?t My Problem.

    President Bush has been speaking out about the Wall Street bailout. And today, a reporter asked him what he planned to do about AIG. Yeah. Bush got upset and said, 'Why does everyone always spell in front of me?'

    Yesterday, after the Dow Jones industrial average dropped over 500 points, President Bush chimed in. This is what he said. He said, 'Adjustments in the financial markets can be difficult.' Yeah, then he told the American people to bend over.

PEACE & LOVE

[DAVID LETTERMAN on the ECONOMY.]

DAVID LETTERMAN on the ECONOMY.

I don't want to just ruin everybody's day, but there is discouraging news everywhere. Unemployment is high. Foreclosure rate is high. Michael Phelps is high.

Aren't you tired of bad economic news, ladies and gentlemen? Well, here is some good economic news. President Obama has a great new economic plan. Here's what he's going to do. He's going to make all the cabinet members that he has selected pay their back taxes.

Oh, here's good news. I guess the House of Representatives has passed President Obama's stimulus package. And then I guess it goes through the Senate. And if that's passed, then that $800 billion, just disappears. Have no idea where it goes.

Couple of days ago in New Jersey, there were UFO sightings. Believe me, it's not an invasion. The aliens are actually here because they want some of that Federal bailout money.

Insider tip. How many folks still have cars? Anybody here still have a car? You know, you can turn them in, take them in to Washington and they'll give you your money back. And Ford Motors, by God, Ford Motors is working on a brand new car called the Fusion. It's a hybrid and runs on a combination of gas and bailout money.

What a rough crowd last night. Rough, they were surly. They were quiet. I'm telling you. It was quiet in here. It was like a Lehman Brothers Christmas party.
David Letterman
Well, it looks like the Big Three auto makers are going to get some bailout money. But the CEOs, these guys, they have promised when they get the bailout money, they can't use it to give themselves big, big year-end bonuses. They said, 'Well, no, of course not. That's what the employee pension funds are for.'

But, you know, when the Big Three CEOs went to Washington, they said, 'We've got to have $25 billion.' Congress said, 'You know what? Wait right here. Let me go to the back and talk to the manager.'

Well, the Big Three, as you know, are not selling as many cars and they have got to pay those big union payments. So they went to the government looking for some of that sweet Federal bailout money. But instead of the bailout, they should apply for farm subsidies, you know, because of all the lemons they produced over the years.

I heard today that the federal government was raising, like, $40 billion to bail out Citigroup. Honestly, when you think about it, who doesn't really feel sorry for credit card companies?

And tomorrow, President Bush will pardon turkeys. This year, I think you know the turkeys, the Lehman brothers.

Here's what I don't like about the turkeys this year, they're arrogant. These turkeys that they're going to pardon this year, they're arrogant. They're flying in from Detroit on their private jets.

Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, 'Thank you, Oprah.'

You folks feeling the economic pinch? Are you a little fed up with the economic news? It's bad. The department stores, this holiday season, no Santa Claus. They're laying off department-store Santa Clauses. So more bad news for John McCain.

But, no, they're not going to have department-store Santa Claus, so if you take your kids in there, you've got to give your list to the girl who sprays you and I with perfume.

Do you like those al Qaeda guys? They're creepy, aren't they, those al Qaeda guys? And they're taunting us now. And this guy, al-Zawahiri, he's like the second guy in charge, he released one of those wise guy, smart-alecky audio tapes. In it, he condemns the United States, just flat, right across the board. And at the end, he wants to know if he can get some of that sweet Federal bailout money.

Auto executives, the Big Three, are asking Congress now for bailout money. Yeah. Hey, don't kid yourself. Things are getting desperate, and if they get any worse, these guys may have to trim their $10 million bonuses.

Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Do you feel like Thanksgiving, folks? You know, it's a time when people can do nice things for others who are less fortunate. I hope you're planning on doing something for people less fortunate. For example, if you get the opportunity, if you have your Thanksgiving dinner, invite a Lehman brother.

I'm no pundit, I'm no expert, but McCain needed Cheney's endorsement like I need more Lehman Brothers stock.

Daylight savings time, change your clocks back. ... If there's one thing we need, it's another hour of 2008. President Bush has already turned the clocks back to 1929.

On this very date in 1929, the stock market plunged 13%. Boy, those were the good old days, huh?

President Bush, I think he said this in his weekly radio address, he said about the economic crisis, President Bush said, "It's a good thing I'm in charge." And I know that's what we're all thinking.

But Bush says he's going to tweak the financial package. He's going to tweak the financial bailout. That's what he's doing now. He's tweaking that financial bailout. That's like the captain of the Titanic tweaking the brunch menu.

Bush is trying to reassure Americans that things are going to get better soon. And I was thinking well sure, in three months he'll be out of office.

A lot of things on sale on Columbus Day. You can get a good deal on a dining room set, mattresses, General Motors.

Are you worried about the economy? Listen to this: the Federal Reserve has lowered the interest rate to 1.5 percent. ... I tell you, I haven't seen interest that low, well, since last night's audience.

And everybody in New York City is worried about the economy, everybody is hurting. The hookers down in Times Square, bless their hearts, listen to this: because of the economy, they now have to work past the retirement age of 65.

Here's another sign the economy is in bad shape: earlier today, Vice President Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Bush administration is taking over the banks. So, hey, crisis over.

I don't know, should we talk about the stock market? Oh my gosh, today, talk about your roller coaster, dropped 800 points. Whoa, so thank you, bailout rescue plan. Thank you very much.

Yeah, the economy is going to hell, but at least we're getting leadership from the White House. That's the important thing, ladies and gentlemen. Thank God for that.

Here's some good news. The bailout plan has been passed. Here's the deal. It went from $700 billion to $800 billion. Now the reason for that, it costs the taxpayers more. If it costs the taxpayers more, the better chance that Congress will vote for it.

The economy is so bad that today, Dick Cheney was waterboarding his stockbroker.

The Senate passed the bailout bill after loading it with pork. And it just doesn't seem right to me to pass a bill like that on Rosh Hashanah.

But anyway, I guess we should be happy the bailout bill passed. 74 yeas, 25 nays, and one 'Fabulous!' from Senator Larry Craig. Fabulous!

Yesterday the stock market suffered its biggest one-day drop in history, falling 777 points. I?m telling you, boy, it's a good thing John McCain blew me off to go save the economy.

I guess you heard the news that the House killed the bailout plan. So Washington failed to act? Oh, I didn?t see that coming. Wow!

Right now the only winner in this economic mess is vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin, who has all her money in pelts.

President Bush now says that the taxpayers could actually make a profit on this deal. Well, that's good enough for me, let's go, come on. And, if you believe that, I have Yankees and Mets World Series tickets.

I was watching the news on television earlier, and George Bush says the economy is in danger. Nothing gets past this guy! Wow! Like a steel trap.

All these world leaders, while they're in New York City over there at the U.N., in their free time they're doing some shopping. The Japanese premiere, for example, earlier today got a great deal on Morgan Stanley.

The economy is in big trouble, but the Bush administration is now running it. So finally some good news.

[JAY LENO on the ECONOMY]

JAY LENO on the ECONOMY

The rest of the country might not know this: Today is Furlough Friday here in California. Furlough Friday, where 200,000 -- the state is so broke, 200,000 workers are asked to stay home without pay as a cash-saving measure. This is what I love about California: They make it sound like it's fun. Oh, Furlough Friday. What's the next big holiday, Selling-Your-Blood-For-Money Saturday?

It looks like more than 13,000 people were caught up in that Bernard Madoff Ponzi scheme. You know what a Ponzi scheme is? That's where you throw good money after bad, or as the government calls it, a stimulus package. But very similar.

President Obama, getting very tough now, has imposed a $500,000 salary cap for executives getting federal bailout money. And, listen to this: Now on weekends, they can only play miniature golf. No more 18 holes.

See, the whole theory behind this salary cap is if you're not performing well, and you're taking taxpayer money, then that should be reflected in lower wages. Of course, under that criteria, everybody in Congress should get like, what, 2 bucks an hour?

Hey, listen to this -- according to 'The Wall Street Journal,' the city of Las Vegas wants to use $2 million worth of the economic stimulus package for neon signs. I just hope it doesn't make the city look tacky.

And today, President Obama announced a salary cap of $500,000 for executives at banks and companies that have received taxpayer bailout money. And you know ? it is good. But I'll tell you something, you can tell a lot of these CEOs don't get it. They said, 'Well, that's $500,000 a month, right?'

And Wells Fargo, who got almost $25 billion in bailout money, has canceled a pricey 12-day corporate trip to Las Vegas. And I think they learned their lesson, because they really scaled things back. They're not doing Vegas anymore. Now, it's a one-day pie eating contest in Laughlin.

And Citigroup, who received a huge bailout from the government, owns the naming rights to the New York Mets' new stadium. It is currently called Citi Field, but because of Barack Obama's crackdown on the Federal bailout money, Citigroup will legally have to change the name of the stadium to Money Grubbing Bastards Field.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi recently said that every month that we do not have an economic recovery package, '500 million Americans lose their jobs.' I think the Botox is starting to seep into her brain.

And the US Postal Service says they may cut postal service from six days to five days a week. They say they're losing money because people aren't using the postal service as much as they used to. If you'd like to complain, you can e-mail the complaint to uspostalservice.com.

And it was on this very day in 1690 that the very first paper money in America was issued in Massachusetts. It was issued by a man named Merrill Lynch, who used the money to give himself the first huge bonus.

The U.S. Post Office announced they could run out of cash by the end of the year. They said they're in serious danger of becoming a bank. That's how bad it is.

I tell you, the economy is so bad, even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

President Obama says he needs nearly a trillion dollars to help kick start the economy. That's a lot of money. Do you realize with that money, you could give every man and woman and child in this country $3,300? Or you could buy shoes for everyone in South America for life. Or you could cover the New York Yankees' payroll for a season and a half.

And because of the tough economic times, the 'LA Daily News' is no longer sending a sportswriter to cover games played by NBA basketball's LA Clippers. So I guess covering Clipper games falls under Obama's new law banning torture.

Citigroup just got $45 billion of our tax dollars. Did you see what they bought themselves? They spent $50 million on a brand new, French-made private jet for their executives. Has a bar, private entertainment center, seating for 12. You know, if there's ever a reason to reopen Guantanamo Bay, this is it, okay. That's our jet! We should be taking that. They should be on Southwest.

President Barack Obama signed an executive order calling for the closure of Guantanamo Bay within a year. Actually, you know how he can close it faster? Make it a bank, okay? It'll shut down.

And at his confirmation hearing, Attorney General Nominee Eric Holder said as far as he is concerned, waterboarding is torture. And Treasury secretary nominee Tim Geithner said, 'So is paying taxes.'

As you may have heard, Tim Geithner, who's been chosen to be our next secretary of the Treasury didn't pay $34,000 in federal taxes from 2001 to 2004. But to keep the nomination afloat, he paid it this week, plus another $8,000 in interest. So that's $42,000 the US Treasury made just like that. You know what Barack Obama should do now? He should appoint Willie Nelson to the position of Commerce secretary. What does he owe, $28 million?

Incoming press secretary Robert Gibbs said President-elect Barack Obama will allow gays to serve openly in the military. So the days of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' are over. Actually, that's not quite true. Congress will continue to use the phrase when referring to the bailout money. 'Don't Ask Us What We Did With It, We're Not Going To Tell You Where It Went.'

And the adult film industry, better known as the porn industry, has asked Congress for a $5 billion bailout. They say they're going to use the money to make more fuel efficient porn.

Five billion. You know, between the porn industry and Congress, I don't know who's screwed more people.

Neiman Marcus announced they are cutting 400 jobs. See, I knew this would happen when the Republicans took away Sarah Palin's campaign credit card.

Barack Obama also says he wants to bring a sense of accountability to Washington. I've got a better idea. Why don't you bring some accountants to Washington, okay? Tell us where the hell our $750 billion went!

Speaking of that, the new Treasury secretary nominee, Timothy Geithner, has come up with a plan to lower taxes. Don't pay them!

Well, all across the country, this is kind of sad, unemployment offices are swamped with people waiting to file for unemployment insurance. It's gotten so bad that the offices are overwhelmed and can't function. I got an idea. Why don't you hire more people? They're right there in line. Speed this whole thing up!

Health experts are now concerned that this bad economy may be causing Americans to gain weight. They call it recession pounds. You heard about this? You put on recession pounds during economic hardship. So guys, if your wife or your girlfriend says, 'Do these pants make me look like we're in a recession?,' be careful what you say.'

And how about this for nerve? This is unbelievable. The porn industry is now asking for a $5 billion federal bailout. The porn industry. Talk about a stimulus package.

And Congress says this week they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. So The guy that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

NBC is showing, once again, the classic movie 'It's a Wonderful Life.' See, it is so different today. See, when they made that movie, back then, the government actually asked banks to account for what money was missing.

And the big financial story, Bernard Madoff, the man they call the most hated man in New York, as you know, has been arrested after confessing to running this Ponzi scheme that defrauded investors out of $50 billion. That's almost hard to believe. But the good news, today he was named A.I.G.'s man of the year.

President Bush made a surprise visit to Detroit today. Honestly, people in Detroit are upset with him, but I understand auto workers threw brake shoes at him.

And this is the big news in New York. Well, all over the world, really. It's just an amazing story. A Wall Street tycoon named Bernard Madoff has been arrested for running a $50 billion Ponzi scheme. $50 billion. You know what a Ponzi scheme is? That's where they use the money of new investors to pay off the older investors. Or as we call it, Social Security.

But you know something? Shouldn't the first clue have been the guy's name? Madoff, you know, as in 'made off with the money,' you know? I mean, who were his partners, Pilfered and Swindled?

And you can tell, President Bush, you know, he's not a financial guy. God bless him, but he doesn't understand anything. Like, when they tried to explain the Ponzi scheme, he said, 'Wait a minute, Ponzi, you're confusing two people. It's either Potsy or Fonzie.'
Hey, kind of an emergency today. There was smoke coming from the Capitol Visitors Center in Washington, DC, a small fire. So far, arson investigators have narrowed it down to three suspects: head of General Motors, head of Chrysler, head of Ford. Could be any one of them

And I love this idea. Congress wants to promote a car czar to oversee the auto industry. You know, even if he's half as successful as Bill Bennett was as the drug czar, oh, our problems will be solved. A car czar. What democracy has a czar?

Why is it every time we have a government crisis, we reverse to feudalism? We need a mortgage duke. A duke of mortgages. We need an energy ayatollah in this country.

Well, it looks like the automakers are going to get their bailout money. But not if the Republicans have anything to do with it. I understand Republican Senator David Vitter, remember him? The one involved with all the hookers? Remember that guy? Well, he blasted the auto industry. He called the plan ass backwards. That's what he called it, ass backwards. And he should to know, because he used to pay extra for that.

Don't you love how these guys care nothing about the working man? The working girl, oh, they'll give her all the money.

Anyway, Congress wants to appoint someone to oversee the auto industry because they lack confidence that the car companies can solve the problem themselves. You know, the same way the Senate Budget Committee kept us within a budget, remember? And the way the banking committee kept the banks from failing. And the way the Senate Energy Committee made us energy independent. We need these kinds of oversights.

Don't you love watching congressmen lecture auto executives on how to run their business? I mean, you got people that put us a trillion dollars in debt lecturing people who put us a billion dollars in debt.

And this is true. This year, the Treasury Department is holding its annual holiday party inside something called the cash room. You know what that is in Washington, the cash room? That's a big room where the Treasury Department holds all its cash it has on hand. Of course, these days it's empty, so plenty more room to party.

What a difference a couple of weeks makes. Remember last month, the three auto company heads flew to Washington in private jets looking for their bailout? Remember they own the private jets? Well, this time, the three CEOs drove in their own hybrid cars; 520 miles they drove in their own hybrid cars. See, you know what I think the government should have done here? Make it like 'The Amazing Race,' you see? You drop these guys off, no money, no transportation, give them some tools, they have to build a car. First one to Washington, they get the bailout.

In fact, do you know what the highest-paying line of work is in America right now? Jury duty.

President Bush and his lovely wife Laura have purchased a new home in Dallas, Texas, worth $2 million. See, this is where President Bush has outsmarted everybody. People underestimate this guy. Five months ago, you would have had to pay $10 million bucks for that house, but thanks to his economic plan, he got it at a bargain. The man is a genius!

How does that work when the president applies for a home loan? Like, when they do a credit check, do they include the trillion-dollar deficit?
According to this week's Newsweek, in this bad economy, a lot of wealthy people are feeling what's known as luxury shame. They're embarrassed about their wealth while others are hurting. Although they say, after a few bottles of Cristal, that feeling goes away.

Well, a lot of Wall Street experts are saying there are incredible bargains right now in the stock markets. This is a good time to buy. Oh, it's a great time to buy, yeah. Like kind of after a huge car crash, there are auto parts laying all around. Same thing.| body kits | cadillac parts | acura parts | jeep parts | exercise ball | poker table |
Little bit of history trivia. It was this week, actually yesterday, in 1961, Fidel Castro announced that he was a Marxist and would turn Cuba into a Communist country, where the government would take over all the major industries. Or as we call that today, a bailout.

And AIG, you know the insurance company who's getting over $11 billion of our dollars in bailout money? Well, they announced they're giving 130 of their executives cash awards of up to $3 million. These are cash awards, not bonuses. They say they are payments to guarantee that their top executives stay with the company. Oh, yeah, God forbid AIG should lose any of these business geniuses. Imagine what kind of shape they'd be in without these people. Again, these are cash awards, not bonuses. So we should send them to jail, not prison, see?

continued...

The Labor Department announced that over 1,100 lawyers lost their jobs last month. Think about it. So lawyers are losing their jobs. ... CEOs are being forced to work for a dollar a year. Ann Coulter's jaw is wired shut. In many ways, this could be the greatest Christmas ever.
Last Friday was, of course, Black Friday. And if you had money in the stock market, today is Black Monday. The stock market lost 679 points today. Not even a stock market, that's a flea market.

Today was the big day for online shopping. This is known as Cyber Monday. Did you know that? And of course, tomorrow is Identity Theft Tuesday.

And this week, they will flip the switch on the White House Christmas tree, which has over 25,000 lights on it, one light for every CEO that's looking for a bailout.

Another good day for the stock market. Up almost 400 points today. Yeah, listen to this. If this keeps up every day for the next three years, we'll almost be even again.

It looks like the government is going to bail out CitiGroup, yet they don't want to bail out the auto companies. See, I don't think this is fair. I mean, blue collar guys who make our cars, they don't get the bailout. But the white collar guys on Wall Street, they get the bailout. You know what I think we should do? I think they should work together. I think the guys in Detroit should keep making the cars, and the guys on Wall Street should be making the license plates. See what I'm saying?

And the car companies don't like the word 'bailout.' They prefer to call it a '24-hour bail-a-thon! Come on down! Everything must go!'

Hey, do you believe how much the price of gas has dropped? It's unbelievable. Given today how far it's gone down, I saw somebody driving a Prius today without a smug look on their face.

Now, because of the recent controversy, AIG, remember they got the big bailout, AIG? Well, they're now paying their CEO a salary, $1 a year. How many think that's fair? Yeah? How many still think he's overpaid? No, that's pretty good. I think that's a nice gesture, having the CEO work for just $1 a year. Oh, he'll still get his $300 million bonus, but the salary will be $1.

And this is true, the Big Three automakers are now talking about driving back to Washington in December. Remember the big uproar last week when they all flew to Washington in private jets? Well, now they're going to carpool. No, this is true. And to make sure there aren't any problems, they're driving a Toyota.

I tell you, the economy is bad. In fact, today -- you know the White House turkey? Turned down the pardon. Said all his money's in the market. Nothing left to live for.

Welcome to 'The Tonight Show.' I have some wonderful news for you. Everyone in our audience tonight is getting a Federal bailout. Congratulations!

Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama announced his new economic team. You know what he should do? Hire those people who were in charge of his fundraising campaign. We can pay this thing off in like a week.

No, I was watching one of the network financial people on cable news today. And they said, with this bailout thing, the government has set a precedent that if you're a large corporation losing money, you know, due to lack of creativity and poor business decisions, well, the government will just send you a check. So, good news for NBC. We're getting a check! Yeah!

U.N. officials said today they desperately need $7 billion to help people cope with disasters, but they're having a hard time getting people to send rescue money. Here's what the UN should do: Invest in bad mortgages, run a bank into the ground, give yourself a bonus, get some spa treatments and, in no time, the government will send you $750 billion.

General Motors announced they are selling two of their private jets. The bad news? They're being bought by the executives at AIG.

Well, it doesn't look as if the U.S. automakers are going to get their bailout money. Congress said yesterday they were concerned about giving the Big Three automakers money just to keep making the same stupid mistakes. And, believe me, when it comes to making the same stupid mistakes, Congress knows what it's talking about.

International maritime officials say 39 ships have been hijacked by pirates this year on the high seas. See, luckily, we don't have pirates in America that rob and plunder. We just have CEOs.

Today, Congress demanded a business plan from the three automakers before they'd even consider giving them taxpayer money. A business plan? How come we didn't get to see a business plan before Congress gave away 750 billion of our dollars?

I've got an idea. How about this idea? Instead of giving $25 billion to the car companies, give it to us, with the provision it can only be used to buy a Corvette. They get the money, everybody back to work, and we all get a new car!
The three big domestic automakers are now saying they are working jointly on a new hybrid car. It runs on a combination of state and federal bailout money.

That's the big debate in Washington, now, whether to bail out Detroit automakers. Because if they went under, we'd lose millions and millions of jobs. You know what we need to do? And this is what I think would work. We need to get Oprah to buy everybody a car again, that would turn this thing around!

The three C.E.O.s made a huge mistake today. You may have seen this -- they each flew to Washington in their own private jet to ask for $25 billion bailout. Even A.I.G. executives are going, 'What are you thinking?'

They each took their own private jet that cost $20,000 round trip. And here's the sad part, today the Japanese announced they have a jet that costs half that and gets better mileage.
Forecasters at the Federal Reserve in Philadelphia said the U.S. has been in a recession for the last 14 months. Thank you, Nostradamus! That's how you know things are slowing down, when forecasters are now predicting the past.

You know what the definition of recession is? A recession is two consecutive quarters of declining productivity. Or, as the Clippers call that, 'halftime.'

Barack Obama says one of his top priorities once he becomes president is closing down Guantanamo Bay. To make sure it closes, he's going to turn it into a bank.

It's great to be here in Los Angeles, what's left of it. These wildfires continuing to burn here in LA. I haven't seen anything go up in smoke like this since my 401(K).

Well, it looks like Guantanamo Bay is going to be closed. Hey, that shows you how tough times are, when even terrorists are losing their homes.

In a speech about the economy, President Bush said, 'Our actions are having an impact.' Yeah, I think it's called a recession.

American Express is now looking to borrow three and a half billion dollars from the taxpayers. Three and a half billion dollars. You know what? I think we should lend them the money, but, do like they do with us: charge 18% interest, which will go to 34% if they miss a payment. I think that's the way to do it.

The United States Postal Service said the economy's so bad, it will have its first layoffs in the history of the post office. May lay off 40,000 workers, yeah. Company officials said they have no idea what happened. They don't understand why people aren't using the mail like they used to, and they said all 40,000 workers would be notified by email. I don't know. Is that a good idea, 40,000 disgruntled postal workers at holiday time? That doesn't sound like a good thing.

And there have been rumors that if the economy continues to get worse, that Barack Obama may have to suspend plans for any income or capital gains tax increases. In fact, they say Obama's considering suspending all tax increases, except those on Joe the plumber. His are going to go up.

Actually, according to the papers today, the economy is hurting prostitutes. They say the prostitutes working the brothels in Nevada are having a hard time making enough money to pay their mortgages. Yeah, business is way down. Which is kind of sad. I mean, you hate to see these women just out walking the streets, you know?

And according to a federal report, unemployment claims went up by 300,000. And that's just Republicans in Washington.

Happy Halloween, everybody. Man, I saw the scariest costume. A little kid knocked on my door dressed as a 401(k). Scared me half to death.

As you know, tonight's the night kids going around asking for handouts. Same thing Wall Street did about a month ago.

Are you all getting ready for Halloween? The good news is, with the economy so bad, people don't have to work as hard to make their houses look scary. The lights are out, the windows are boarded up, the lawns not cut. Everyday is Halloween in America now.

Financial experts say that the economic crisis has cost $2.8 trillion dollars. That's such a huge amount of money. It's hard for people to visualize how much that is. Let me put that in terms you understand. $2.8 trillion is enough money to buy Sarah Palin clothes for a year.

In Pontiac, Michigan, five bodies and the cremated remains of 22 others have been evicted from a funeral home. Evicted! That's when you know the real estate market's bad, when you're dead and they still foreclose on you.

According to the U.S. Department of Transportation, Americans drove 15 billion fewer miles in August than they did the year before. To which President Bush said, 'See, that's one of the advantages of not having a job to go to.'

According to a new poll, women are more pessimistic about the economy recovering than men. You know why? Because men are in charge of the economy.

And this week, President Bush announced a $250 billion -- everything's billions now, millions don't even count, have you noticed that? Millions is like chump change -- plan for the government, to directly buy shares of the nation's leading banks, to make sure they're run properly. They're going to make sure they're run properly, yeah. Because one thing we know is the people who gave us a a $9 trillion debt, they know how to handle money.

Well, the market went down over 700 points today. Oh, that reminds me. You know, we turn our clocks back soon. We're turning it back to 1929, I believe.

Hey, look, I don't want to say the stock market is unstable, but this morning, the opening bell was rung by Paula Abdul.

And they gave out the Nobel Prize for economics this week. Interesting. It went to a highly intelligent economist. His theory is a little hard, I think, for the average person to comprehend. I'm going to break it down. This is his theory. He determined that it was bad business to give loans to people who can't pay them back! Apparently, we don't understand that in this country.

I think the economy is starting to turn around. In fact today, instead of just shooting animals for food, Sarah Palin is back shooting them for fun again.

According to a group of Nobel prize-winning scientists, because of the economic crisis, the planet might actually improve from the damage of global warming, because we're using less fossil fuel and we're saving energy. See, this shows the brilliance of President Bush's plan. He was killing the economy, yeah, but to save the planet! The man is a genius!

I think the economy is starting to turn around. In fact today, instead of just shooting animals for food, Sarah Palin is back shooting them for fun again.

And the finance ministers of the world's top economies met in Washington for an emergency meeting on the banking crisis. I thought this was nice. While they were meeting, they gave President Bush some Monopoly money to play with so he'd feel involved.

You know, do you think President Bush really understands any of this stuff? Like today, he was asked about General Motors. And he said, 'I think he's doing a fine job in Iraq.'

The average price of a gallon of gas has had its biggest drop ever this week also. It's now down to $3.30 a gallon. Remember $3.30 a gallon? That's the price you used to get outraged about a year ago.

Happy Columbus Day, everybody. Today is Columbus Day, which means all the banks are closed. At least I think that's why they're closed. God, you realize Columbus is the only person to have closed more banks than President Bush. Isn't that amazing?

Today, they gave out the Nobel prize for economics. Why? Believe me, in this economy, there weren't many people to choose to give it to. You know who would up getting it? You know who got it? Gary Coleman for those cash call commercials. That's right, he was the only guy.

Former President Jimmy Carter blasted President Bush, blaming the financial crisis on him. Carter called this the worst financial crisis since the Carter administration. Good news, the stock market went up over 900 points today. That's good news. This is the best thing to happen to the John McCain campaign since ... actually, it's the first good thing to happen to McCain.

They found that Americans actually eat more during bad economic times, that people become fatter during bad financial periods. Isn't that amazing? This is the only country in the world, when the economy goes south, not only don't you lose your ass, it gets bigger.

Well, this weekend, representatives from the world's 20 richest nations will get together to try and figure out how to solve this global economic meltdown. They're called the Group of 20. Given how bad things are, they used to be called the Group of 50.

All these countries are going to get together and brainstorm. So I guess that pretty much leaves President Bush out of the picture.

[BILL MAHR on the ECONOMY]

BILL MAHR on the ECONOMY

The only thing keeping the economy afloat are Sarah Palin's shopping sprees.

The stock market had its worst week in a long time, and that's saying something considering recent history. Not only that, the stores are reporting their worst earnings in the last eight years, unemployment is at a 14-year high, car companies apparently are headed toward extinction. Today in Times Square, the stock ticker just said, 'What the f**k are you looking at?'

I don't know if you heard the news, but Wall Street now is a farmer's market. I don't want to say things are going downhill quickly, but Obama's new campaign slogan is 'Are you better off than you were four days ago?'

Do you have money in the stock market, because it dropped 20 percent in a week. This week, the biggest loss ever. But don't worry: President Bush has a plan to bail out the bailout.

He went on TV today to reassure the public. I don't know if it worked, because halfway through the speech two guys came in and repossessed the podium.

His big line was today: 'We are a prosperous nation with immense resources and a wide range of tools to deal with this problem. And he's right: he's a tool, Bernanke's a tool, Paulsen's a tool, Alan Greenspan, a huge tool.

So let's see, the country is broke. Listen to this: 60 percent of the people in America now say we are headed toward a depression, not a recession, a depression. We are in desperate needs of profitable industries we can tax. Um, now can we legalize pot?

Now [John McCain] voted for the bailout, which of course passed. ... They say it's going to cost every man, woman and child in this country 2,300 dollars, and if everything goes perfectly, soon, your money will be blowing to the banks so they can lend it back to the U.S. at interest. The free market works, ladies and gentlemen.

Is the sky really falling, or are they just trying to convince us? You know, Bush went on TV -- he's always a guy who inspires confidence -- Wednesday night, and he said, quote, 'America could slip into a financial panic. The economy is in great danger.' And he held a flashlight under his chin.

These financial shenanigans that have been going on?like today I was reading that they're now putting an end to something called short selling, which is when you borrow stock that you don't own, and sell it, hoping that it will go down so that you can buy it back at a profit. This was legal, but pot smoking isn't?

Morgan Stanley today was looking for a merger partner on eHarmony. I'm telling you. You know these Sunni militias in Iraq that we're bribing not to shoot at us? Now they want to be paid in Euros.

The federal government, you know them, they announced a plan to spend, like, a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan to save their asses with other peoples' money. It was either that, or Sarah Palin's idea to sell it all on eBay.

The other financial genius, John McCain, said the fundamentals of our economy are strong, and then yesterday he wanted to fire the head of the SEC -- except you can't as president fire the SEC chairman, it's a non-governmental job. Sarah Palin said today one more gaffe from McCain, and she's going to drop him from the ticket.

[Jimmy Klimmel on the ECONOMY..]

Jimmy Klimmel on the ECONOMY..

Some bad economic news today. They estimate more than a half a million Americans lost their jobs last month. Unemployment is now at 6.7 percent, that is the highest since 1993. In layman's terms, that means almost one in ten Americans know what it's like to be K-Fed.
Jimmy Kimmel
In case you didn't hear, the economy is having a going out of business sale right now. The Dow took another major dive today. It lost 443 points. That adds up to 873 points over the last two days. The Dow is dropping so frequently they have decided to just add an 'n' to the end of it.

The economy has become the central issue in this presidential campaign. I haven't heard one word about fencing in the Mexicans in months, right?

Two big wildfires are burning. Apparently an ember hit the state liposuction fat reserve, and before they knew it, the whole place went up in flames. Right now emergency teams are trying to contain the fires, or at least drive them towards homes that have already been foreclosed on.

There's a new bank bailout today. The government is taking a $250 billion ownership stake in a bunch of failing banks, which is great news, because at long last, banking will be as efficient as going to the DMV. And there's a debate going on right now about the whole thing. Financial analysts are saying, what does this mean for the country? On one hand, some experts say that buying up private companies makes us socialists, but others say it makes us communists, and it's hard to decide. I say, shoot everyone and let God decide.

One day after the worst day in the history of the stock market, the Dow surged almost 500 points, with one of the largest single day gains ever. But don't get too comfortable. The Dow is a little bit like Britney Spears, in a way. Yes, it made a nice comeback today, but at any moment, it could chug a Red Bull and shave its head and punch a photographer and we'll be right back where we started.

Members of Congress have been squabbling over a new bailout package they're trying to get passed. It's a tough situation. Everyone agrees it's something that needs to be done, but nobody wants to be the one that wants to step up and actually do it. Like when grandpa's diaper needs changing.

The financial crisis has actually helped Barack Obama's poll numbers. McCain's plan to suspend his campaign and settle this has backfired on him. Think about it, no one should benefit more from this than the McCain/Palin campaign. Sarah Palin could actually wind up being the perfect candidate. If the world economy does collapse, she's the only one who knows how to live off the land. You know? A moose in every pot, et cetera.

The House of Representatives, they rejected that $700 billion bailout. The congressmen who voted no were actually pretty evenly divided between party lines. Forty percent of Democrats, and two-thirds of Republicans voted against the bailout bill, as it was being called. In a way, it's heartening to see Congress for once put partisan differences aside and come together to not get anything done.

This is the first time the stock market has lost more than a trillion dollars in value in one day. I don't know, is it just me, or is losing all of your money kind of liberating? I say, don't look at this as a financial meltdown, look at this as an opportunity for us all to live together at Oprah's house.

Today it seemed like Congress might have agreed on the $700 billion bailout bill for the banks, but then later on, it turned out that they haven't. For those of you who don't understand what is happening here, think of Wall Street as a no-good brother-in-law who borrows $500 from you and then shows up with a new jet ski.

And today President Bush met with John McCain and Barack Obama. He did take a moment to show them the best place in the Oval Office to hide porn.

But McCain showed up without his running mate, Sarah Palin, which is a shame because she has a lot of experience with banking and financial matters. You know, she lives right next to a bank.

Yesterday, the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banking institutions. One expert said it might cost Americans more than a trillion dollars. To put that in perspective, ten Bill Gates and 35 Oprahs still don't add up to a trillion dollars.

Where they'll get this money, and how it's going to be handed out, still isn't clear. All we know for sure is that it's a trillion dollars, and it's going to be hosted by Howie Mandel.

The Dow went up 410 points today on Wall Street. You may already know, the government has bailed two huge financial companies out, and today, they strongly hinted that they would bail the rest of them out, at taxpayers' expense. It's all part of a new approach our leaders in the White House and Congress are taking to the economy. It's called socialism.

Stock prices are down, major companies are being purchased by the government. It is a bear market and, I have to say, Sarah Palin is just the lady to shoot it for us.

The Dow fell 504 points yesterday. I'll be honest, I have no idea what that means, but apparently it's really bad. On Wall Street they were calling it Black Monday. And John McCain was quick to point out it was Black Monday, not Old White Monday.

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